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Thursday, January 7th, 2010
1:17 pm - support site
potterfreak1 i have a support site you all can use


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Sunday, November 16th, 2008
5:56 am - New.

 Hi everyone!
I had a livejournal years ago but am happy to be back, determined to find support on my path to recovery, and help others struggling with the same diseases/addictions/traumas. I will post tonight on my page a summary of my first step so those of you who want to can get to know me a little better. Thank you all for being here and looking forward to sharing my experiences, struggles, strengths, and hopes.

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Friday, June 15th, 2007
9:46 am - Seeking feedback on a short nonfiction story on rape and prevention
Subject:Seeking feedback on a short nonfiction story on rape and prevention


I started writing a short nonfiction story last week to clear some stuff out of my head.

I'm hoping to do something meaningful with it and would appreciate any feedback and support that this group might offer.

You'll find the story here:

Much Love,

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Thursday, May 31st, 2007
7:22 am - help each other

i created a community a while back,help each other for people like myself with ptsd,and other problems who want to get better together.i am very into getting well.

current mood: hopeful

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Wednesday, March 21st, 2007
2:18 pm - Introduction

Introductions are hard for me. I hate them. Normally I lurk and comment indiscriminately. I'm a paraniod individual and shy away from posting in communities. But lately I am having a hard time with my self imposed isolationism. I need people to lean on and relate to.

My diagnosisCollapse )

I did cross-post this to other communities of this nature, because I am fleshing myself out to be better able to identify which community is best suited for me. Thank you.

current mood: anxious

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Friday, March 2nd, 2007
7:15 am

Please think good thoughts for me. I'm so afraid right now.

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Monday, January 15th, 2007
12:28 pm - i feel i'm starting to slip away from reality

i live with my friend now and i really love him,but it's a lonely world.i need hugs and stuff and i get none.he doesn't want me to even leave the house to be around people,but i don't even get a hug once w week and i get no humane affection any more.he is so good to me but i am so lonely eith him being my whole world,and i don't know how to make it better.i have been starting to slip away from reality a lot of the time because i am so lonely that my mind just gives me a hell of a bad time some times.it's not my friends job to passify me by giving me hugs and stuff like that,but at the same time i'm not even supposed to go anywher that i can be around people to get those of my needs met.the lonely ones are the ones that cut deep.maybe i should just talk to him about it,but i don't even know where to start tolking to someone like him about something like that,and the reason i can't leave the house is because when i do get hte chance to get away i usually get drunk and when i get back home i pay the price because he gers extremely cold with me and thinks i am just the worst person in the world,he knows how lucky i am to be here i've heard him mumble it under his breath,so i don't even have any leway to make anything any better,because with him being so much better than me i don't even feel i have the right to say anything off key.so i dont know what to do i guess i was born to be lonely.

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Friday, December 22nd, 2006
11:05 am - If only just to see her smile

I am posting this on behalf of somebody I truly care about. Nearly a year ago, my girlfriend was horribly raped, and she has kept it a secret from everyone including myself until just a few days ago. I would've never guessed that this had happened to her. To make amtters worse around the same time that this happened, I broke up with her for unrelated reaosns not having the slightest clue what she was going through. We've been back together for 5 months now, and she's revealed this secret to me. I am deeply cocnerned, and I feel powerless to help her. I want to encourage her to report it and to see a therapist to help her work things out that I know she's bottled up. Then I wonder if I'm making a bigger deal abotu it than I should, mayme the last thing she needs is for me to remind her of this god awful experience. I feel so helpess, and I'm afraid of hurting her by pressuring her into anything that would make her relive this horrific experience. It is a last resort for me to post an entry in this community, I hope that somebody can share with me some advice that might allow me to help her.

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Saturday, September 23rd, 2006
9:00 am - sprinting through tired

A little over a week in inpatient, and two weeks in intensive outpatient. My soul feels tired. I have spurts of creativity. At leas my meds don't block my creative drive... but even that takes energy. Whie I haven't had runnimating thoughts, I have been a fiend about searching for jobs... Jobs that I can't work at for several weeks to come due to medical opinion. Sometimes I feel a certain rebellion rise up in me, and I think that I am ready to go to work, but then I really think about it" having to deal with lost of differenet people, initiatives, expectations... and I get so overwhelemed. At least I am not sleep 20 plus hours a day like I was a few weeks ago. I just felt like I had no purpose in life. I crave to feel in demand, my skills, my abilities, my drive all juiced up from being "on." Instead I feel like a rebellious 6 year old that stands in the doorway, flicking the lights off and on in the depths of my spirit. "I want to fly, I want to fly... heaven knows." Kayne said it very well.

I haven't spoken to my mother in almost two months. I admitted to my outpatient group members that I miss my parents and the love I never really felt that was there. It was something being torn up and out of my bodym like possessed mummy, choking and marinatingon the truth spoken aloud. I wept, sobbed, self-scolded and then wept some more. I am myself. As much as I have tried to tp deny it, hate it, spit upon and grind it beneath vehement-agressive heels. I was naked, explicitly so. The teflon fell away from my body and I took a painful step closer to the person, the self I am capable of being.... I don't know about "the self I destined to be." That shit is a little to philisophical for me. There is no room in Renee's in for screaming newborns demandig, love, care, compassion. So I stand outside of my own cellar door listening to the child within me, wimper, but only half-lost.

Radom questions for you readers: what career do you see me doing for the next three years. Forget kids, that shit will drop around 40 outside warped providence. And Bhudda knows that I have little to apologize for as this moment in time.

out, then in. Then out again.

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Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006
9:24 am - a strong point

otterphoenix wrote in a reply post about abuse
"it made you who you are today and made you a more understanding person"
I have to say that what she said was absolutely spot on.
Thats kind of how I live my life and it helps me sometimes to move on from the rough patches. Sometimes I look back and say why me, was I such a bad person that I deserved to have these things done to me. It still does get to me sometimes as I think it does everyone but without those things happening I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't have a better understanding of such things and perhaps I wouldn't be able to express these things to others so they get a better understanding of it themselves. I've wondered what type of person I would have been had I had a more stable up bringing. I probably would have been stronger or more confident but in reality that person never existed. We are these people because this is who we are supposed to be and one way or another it has to have been for a reason. If these things hadn't happened we wouldn't be here helping each other the way that we are. If these things hadn't happened perhaps we wouldn't be a better writer or photographer or artist. Perhaps we wouldn't be a better mother or father for that matter. I've kind of always had this notion that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that gets a little confusing say when a loved one dies suddenly or at a young age. But then there is the bad things that happen in life that actually give a new undertanding or walk us down a new path in life. Your probably thinking aren't you being a little optmistic but hey this doesn't happen to often for me so just roll with it. All I'm trying to say is that we are who we are and shouldn't feel hopeless and alone because of something nasty and horrible that someone else has done to us. Let those people wallow in their self hatred because they are the bad people in this world not us. I just want to live my life with its ups and downs but still forever forward. I dont want them to bring me down and I want what is best for me and my family. I hope that it is ok that I'm writing this, infact I hope that somewhere this has made someones day that little bit easier or perhaps a little brighter. To all of us out there just keep fighting!


current mood: contemplative

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Tuesday, June 20th, 2006
8:35 am

Been having alot of trouble handling stuff lately. I've been trying so hard to put the bad things aside and to just try and have good days but I'm telling you its been a real struggle. Almost everyday I feel down about our situation. Our money is still completely fucked and we are always having to borrow money. I'm fighting with Dean (my partner) all the time and at the moment it just feels like we are more friends living together than actual partners. I'm having problems with Deakyn (my 4yr old) and even Allyra (who's just turned one) that I normally have no problems with I'm finding myself struggling with. Everyday I feel like crying because everything seems hopeless at the moment. We've had such a bad run for so long now I'm just wondering if we are ever going to come out of it. Deans the one that is going to be staying home with the kids while I go out and work now and I still cant seem to get over it. It just feels like everything I've ever had that made me happy is gone now and I just cant handle it. I'm just so tired of worrying about everything and of wearing this painted smile that has really rotted me away inside. I feel totally broken and beaten. Yesterday I had to hand in a resume for some job and I just knelly completely lost it. I really am just so over everything. I'm so tired all the time and feel like it really wouldn't matter that much if I wasn't here. It hurts so much to even say that but it really is the way I feel. I'm just so exhausted. I want a break from everything but I cant even have five minutes to think. I dont know what to do anymore, I'm just so tired.

x posted

current mood: crushed

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Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
7:54 am

One of the communities I'm with is called fucked up news. It basically has crazy news stories from around the world. Some is a bit gross but most of it is funny which is why I joined it in the first place. The reason I'm writing about it is because there was a story on it that totally disturbed me which I'm warning you maybe triggering Read more...Collapse )

current mood: ruined

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Sunday, May 28th, 2006
12:28 pm

I am falling apart here, guys.
I just found out that I work with Sam's cousin. He looks almost exactly like him. His mannerisms are so close to Sam's. When I found out, he told me he could bring Sam by if I wanted. I nearly passed out right then and there. Already my senses went into overdrive. If someone knocked into me I practically jumped and cowered away. I told him, "Never. And as far as Sam's concerned you've never met me in your life."
He asked me if I had gone out with Sam. I wanted to vomit. I said, "No much to his chagrin." He didn't get what that meant so I said, perhaps to loudly, "I said no and it pissed him off."
I was on the verge of tears. His cousin's a nice guy, at least I think so. I thought same was nice too. But his cousin has said that his family is crazy and he distances as much as possible from them.
I told him that that was good and I blurted out before I could think,"If you love your girlfriend (she is also the mother of his child), keep her away from Sam."
I'm just scared out of my mind that he didn't take me seriously when I said I didn't want him to even MENTION me to Sam. He's kind of a joker.
I feel sick. I don't know what to do. I hate feeling this way. I try to be strong. I try to be brave and powerful. But right now, I feel like a scared little girl. I just want to curl up in the covers and hide. I just want to cry.

current mood: sad & scared

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Sunday, May 21st, 2006
2:57 am - hello

I've been struggling with PTSD because of my time spent in Iraq for awhile now. I got hit by many grenades, got shot, and witnessed all the normal war stuff. I'm just trying to pull myself together for my next deployment. It's readjusting at home that is the hardest part though. I've lost control and hurt some people. My friends are all breaking apart here since we haven't deployed in awhile.

I want to deploy again and I owe it to those that have been killed to finish out my contract. They don't really acknowledge PTSD here anyway. Even when we are diagnosed it doesn't matter. They need numbers to deploy. My friends that want out have to try and kill themselves at least twice before they take them seriously. Even then they still say they must be faking it.

I miss emotions the most.

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Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006
7:47 pm - This is my story

I think it's time to share.

Read more...Collapse )

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Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006
9:45 am - My Introduction
silent_aurora Hello All,

My name is Aurora, I'm 18 and currently suffering PTSD. I guess I joined the group for some support, its amazing how satisfying it is just to know that others are going through the same thing.
About 3 months ago I was involved in a near-fatal scuba diving accident. It happened at night, in the ocean. Something went wrong with my equipment and I ended up drowning. The details are hard for me to share still, but eventually the agony of breathing in water faded and my body started shutting down. I knew that I was dying.
I (clearly) survived, and was rushed to a hospital where I was told that I was one breath away from death, and yet miraculously, I was going to be OK.
My lungs were still dangerously full of water when I got to the hospital, but within a few days the danger of infection went down and I was sent home.
Ever since then I've been getting terrible dreams, I sleep in my parent's room, I cry a lot. I was never much of a cryer before this, but now even the slightest reminder will set me off. I saw a psychologist for a few weeks, but it was no help at all. I know this is something I just need to work through, but it would be great to get some support. If you have similar ailments, I'd love to hear them. Is anyone else out there constantly reminded of a near-death experience?

Thank you,

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Thursday, April 27th, 2006
6:11 pm - Healing Words

The way out is to tell:
Speak of the acts perpetrated upon us, speak the atrocities, speak the injustices, speak the personal violations of the soul.
Someone will listen, someone will believe our stories, someone will join us.
Charlotte Pierce-Baker -author of Surviving the Silence
I was not only a survivor, but a witness to my own survival.
I saw, too, that however painful my feelings of the past year had been,
The pain had not, after all, replaced other feelings, but only hidden them from sight.
Never be bullied into silence.
Never allow yourself to be made a victim.
Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
-Harvey Fierstein
When I dare to be powerful,
to use my strength in the service of my vision,
then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.

Women's sanity has been saved by bringing these hidden experiences into the open, naming them
and turning our rage into positive action to reduce and heal violence.
-Gloria Steinem, foreword to The Vagina Monologues

"Everything you need you already have. You are complete right now, you are a whole, total person, not an apprentice person on the way to some place else. Your completeness must be understood by you and experienced in your thoughts as your own personal reality."
— Wayne Dyer

current mood: confused

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Thursday, April 20th, 2006
9:37 am - update and question

So I got my period yesterday so theres no baby on the way.
I know it sounds stupid but I got alittle upset and cried a bit.
I feel alright about it now and guess I just have to hope for next month.
My daughters 1st birthday is on the 6th of June and it would be lovely to
announce to all our friends and family at her party that Deakyn and Allyra
will be having another brother or sister. Fingers crossed, huh!
Just wondering if anyone else on this site has kids or is trying?

current mood: awake

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Monday, April 17th, 2006
7:30 pm

I've had to go off my antidepressants because my parnter and I have decided to try for our last baby (we've decided on only three kids). You'd think it would be an exciting time but it has actually been really difficult for me. I've had to go off my meds before when I had my daughter but this time it seems heaps harder. I've been having nightmares constantly and I'm waking up over and over again throughout the night. I feel anxious all the time and I'm jumping at the slightest noise. I'm not sure what to do about it but its really freaking me out. Since I was really little I've always had horrific nightmares but they don't come as much as they used now that I'm older. However that all seems to have changed again and these dreams are like 'event horrizon'(scary,gory movie) stuff. They feel so real that the other night I woke up acting out my dream. My partner always comes to bed later than me so I'm used to going to bed alone but now I'm terrified of it. Another night I woke up instantly from a dream as he was coming closer to me to get the remote control from my bedside table. In those split seconds I thought he was going to hurt me and I had my arms up and defending my face because I really believed that he was coming to beat me. I dont know what I was dreaming previously and my partner has never hit me in our ten years together and never would but that was what I truely believed at that moment. I'm sure your probably thinking maybe I need to go back on my tablets and fast; only problem is my period is two days late (i'm like clockwork) and I dont want to take anything just incase. I did a pregnancy test this afternoon and it came up negative but I still dont want to take anything until I get my period. I'm kind of really freaked out by all this and feel like I've got no one to talk to. My partner doesn't want us to tell anyone about our trying for another baby so there is no one to express myself too. I've tried talking to him about how I'm worried and he just doesn't get it. Infact he was a complete asshole about it and was getting angry about thinking I would even be pregnant in the first place in the first month.
Mind you with our son and daughter I feel pregnant in the second month of trying so really it isn't that hard to believe.
Anyway I'm sorry I'm just rambling here but I just really needed to get it out. I feel like crying or something, I just feel so stressed and want to release it.

current mood: been better

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Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
8:14 am

Since I'm a newby I thought I should let everyone get to know me. I'm twenty five and have two kids, Deakyn my son is four and Allyra my daughter is 10months. When I was growing up my family life was pretty dysfunctional. My Dad sexually abused my older sister and myself and our Mum was mentally and physically abusive. Needless to say life was pretty crappy growing up and I always had emotional problems even though I didn't know what they were. As weird as this might seem after my father got out of jail (it was supposed to be three years but he was in for three months) we had visitation rights with him. My two brothers and I were still pretty young and so I guess we didn't understand the situation. We were raised believing that our Dad had been sick despite the fact the my mum hated his guts. We we would see him regularly and I guess it was like that other part off him never existed. Please dont judge me on all this I was still young. In some weird way or another I felt close to my Dad maybe because mum was a nut job and made me feel completely worthless. When I was fourteen my Mum had enough of my bad behavior and kicked me out. I was sent to live with my father (yes thats right the man who abused me.)Everything was alright at first but being transfered to another school caused problems. I became the new person to bully and then one day I snapped. I had already been cutting myself as a relief but this time instead I took 21 tablets and wound up in hospital. My Dad seemed so supportive and I felt really loved. I lived with him for two years and in that my mum would say I could come back then change her mind again over and over. The hospital made me see a counselor and I went back and forth to a few over the two years. In all of this my Dad had started making slight gestures to me until one time he propositioned me. I wont go into detail but I went to bed facing the wall believing that he would come in and rape me at any minute. He did eventually come in and lay next to me apologizing for what he had said but his body was right up against me and I knew he had other ideas in his head. He finally left me and I lay awake all night terrified that he would come back in again.
Years went by and I never told a soul except my boyfriend. I moved away and at twenty one had my son. I started counselling with a place called Centre Against Sexual Assault and it changed my life. We worked through alot of stuff and I was diagnosed with PTSP. I became pregnant with my daughter and we began the process of stopping all communication with my Father. I had to stop seeing my counselor when I was 7 months pregnant because she was going away for a year but I hope to see her again.
In all of this the hardest part for me is that my two brothers and sister still see my Dad and seem to be angry with me for not seeing him. A couple of months back and ten years after the event I finally told my brothers and sister about that night with Dad. It really didn't get that much of an reaction if anything they were angry because I hadn't told them. They still see him after what I told them and for that I am heart broken. Sometimes it really does feel as though they have chosen him over me. Thats why I have come to this site, so hopefully I can share my feelings and people can be there and understand. Thanks for listening and sorry this went for ages, I didn't realize how much I had to say.

current mood: ok I guess

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